You must go out with a lot of frogs before you find your prince. Widen your expectations. Expand your horizons. Broaden your comfort zone. Don’t always limit yourself to the people you think are exactly what you want. You will be surprised who you are attracted to and will consider as a life mate when you get to know him better.
To find your dream man when you are serious about wanting a committed relationship, do the 40 Men exercise and then just follow the steps below:
The 40 Men Exercise
As an exercise, I recommend meeting forty new men, not necessarily dating, but spending some time and having a meaningful conversation, to help you decide whether or not you like this person and why. Then you can decide if you want to see him again. Most important is whether you like this person, can get a feel for his human values, and can communicate with him. Remember that his opinion of you is irrelevant at this point
One of the most important and significant concepts that is presented here is that you keep in the forefront of your consciousness that you are not concerned with what this man thinks of you. It is none of your business. You are only interested in what you think of this man. You are not meeting these men to find a soul mate, you are meeting them to expand your comfort zone about who men are, to alter your ideas about what you want in a man and to build your own self esteem. Most women have very limited experience with intimate relationships with men. I do not mean sexual relationships. I mean intimate relationships, as in your father, your brothers, your spouses or any male that you have lived with for any length of time. That is where your preconceived ideas about “who men are” originate.
This gives you freedom.
When you are not worrying about what this man thinks of you, you are able to be yourself without inhibitions and when you know that you are the one who decides whether the relationship continues or not, your self-esteem is enhanced with each encounter. There is a stair-step pattern that results from the sincere participation in this exercise. With each encounter, your self esteem is enhanced in a very subtle way. As your self esteem increases, you attract a better quality of men. Ultimately, you develop a new baseline for “who men are” and what kind of man you want in your life and you are able to attract and engage this type of a man. It is important that you recognize that women do the choosing and women also do the ending of relationships.
Do not worry about whether he likes you, is attracted to you, or wants to seduce you, other than for feedback. This is an experiment in stretching your comfort zone. You are not looking for a mate. You are learning about your own personal preferences. You are exploring your taste in men. This is an exercise and they are practice. This mindset is necessary when you enter the 40 men exercise. It is important when you embark upon this quest that you keep a journal of what you like and don’t like about each man. Your focus must be on clarifying your preferences and learning how to ask for what you want. During the course of this exercise, more will be revealed to you about yourself, and the type of men that you have been attracted to in the past.
I have had clients tell me that this experience of meeting a lot of men has done amazing things for them. It opens up a part of them that they did not know existed. In the beginning, almost everyone hates it. At some point, they start to enjoy the experience. Later, they develop a sixth sense for knowing whether a man has the potential to be “it”.
Why it’s important to be yourself without inhibitions.
So often in dating, you put on a suit of pretense to “look good” and impress the opposite sex. That suit is known as your image. It is interesting to note that the person you are dating is also wearing their image and what results is your images interact. This can go on for many years. Recently, an acquaintance broke off a twoyear relationship and engagement because she finally recognized that it was her image of who she thought she wanted to be that was engaged to the image of this man. The real people didn’t like each other nor did they have much in common. Fortunately for them they recognized this before they got married and spent many unhappy years together. If you look around you can notice many marriages that have been entered into by images only. Those relationships can remain superficial forever or they will ultimately self-destruct when the occupants recognize that they actually desire a certain level of intimacy.
Intimate, passionate relationships require vulnerability and honesty in order to survive beyond initial chemistry. Therefore it is wise to know who you are and what you want before entering a permanent relationship. Once you have attained a level of awareness about life and yourself that satisfies you, you are ready to move forward in your quest for a perfect mate.
The 10 Steps to a Perfect Mate
- Visualize the perfect mate for yourself. Get very specific. Be sure to include the values and principals that mean the most to you. Write it all down in a list. It’s important that you don’t forget anything because whatever you forget will show up in the next man who tries to date you. One extremely important element if you really want a relationship is to require that a man is ready, available, and willing to be in a relationship. Otherwise, the person who arrives will probably be married or under 18.
- When you’ve completed your written list, choose a date by which you want to meet this person and then file the list away or post it on one of the dream realization Web sites, such as www.dreamroundup.com. By doing these things, you have sent a message out to the universe and requested assistance from a higher power. [Be realistic about the month and date. Asking for a man to show up next week is unrealistic if you want to apply this strategy.]
- Forget about “the list” and go about your life, making sure to take care of yourself in an extraordinary manner.
- Once a candidate has shown up, waiting until that man gets around to asking you out can take awhile, especially if you don’t communicate your interests and intentions. Once you meet your dream man, you can directly ask him to be in a relationship with you. Contrary to all popular opinion, my suggestion is to be straight about what you want from a man. It’s not meant to scare him away, just to declare your intentions. If the man gets scared and runs, he probably was not the one that you wanted and he didn’t deserve to be in a relationship with you anyway.
- If you see someone who might be attractive to you, flirting with a man also works if you are honest and open and ask for what you want. None of the above applies if you are just looking for a date or a playmate.
- Test the man to see if he will produce for you. This means that you must express your appetite in some way. Ask him to do something for you or produce some results. There is a formula for asking for anything:
- Acknowledge him sincerely for doing something right. [I am so glad that you are spending this time with me.]
- In the same breath, ask directly and specifically for what it is that you want. [ I want you to take me to dinner next Thursday night at Casa Piace where we can have wine and antipasto and sit and talk.]
- Appreciate the results that you get even if it doesn’t look anything like what you requested. [ I love these hamburgers and I so appreciate the fact that you brought me here even though you had to work late. We can go to Casa Piace another time when your schedule is less restrictive. Thank you for going out of your way for me.]
- If a man responds to you, he will try to please you. Because men think differently than women, don’t be surprised that his efforts do not mirror your expectations.
- Your ability to accurately ask for what you want will improve as you practice being straight.
- If a man does not produce for you, dismiss him. He will not change. The trick to getting what you want from a man is to find a man who loves and cherishes you beyond his wildest dreams. Learn how to be direct and ask for what you want. The right man will do whatever it takes to please you and produce the results that you want.
- Appreciate, appreciate, appreciate the fact that you have a man who tries to please you.
Most of all while you are participating in your life in this way, have fun. This is not supposed to be serious or work. Finding love is a miracle and we all deserve to have miracles in our life.