A client missed the last week in her life because she went out of state to take care of a family matter that her primary family has been tolerating for about 50 years. What I recognized this week is how much damage can be done by not teaching our children about accountability and boundaries. An aunt and uncle in her family protected their son from the repercussions of every wrong act he ever committed after his birth. As a result, her cousin is the poster child for arrested development. He is 65 years old and has never had to be accountable for any of his actions. What has resulted is an untenable situation.
His father is 95, a wealthy man who is mentally and physically deteriorating and although his affairs are in order, he believes that he and his son can take care of themselves. His durable power of attorney has been bestowed on her 65 year old cousin who is drunk more than he is sober and who himself has not addressed his affairs in any way.
At age 45, her cousin moved to a beautiful desert home with his parents when they all retired. He had been a VP of a major stock brokerage company and decided he could be a trader full time. For twenty years now he awakens around 3 am begins drinking vodka instead of orange juice and trades stocks. Financially he is in great shape, however, his life is non-existent. He is what is known as a functional alcoholic. He and his father have existed together since his mother’s death 11 years ago. I say existed together because that is what they do. They don’t really talk to each other except to argue. They eat separately except for rare occasion. They don’t clean house. They don’t go anywhere or have any visitors.
What happened last week is her uncle had a syncopal episode and fell. He was hospitalized and she and another member of the family decided to make an effort to address the dysfunctional situation as best they could. As family, it is an obligation to make sure that the eldest family member is safe. She hired a cleaning crew to clean the house. Discovered that bills hadn’t been paid for months and found about 20 uncashed checks amounting to more than $11,000.00 in the 10 file boxes of mostly unopened mail that had accumulated on the dining table. When the home health people came to follow up her uncle, her cousin was drunk and loud but not really abusive. Prior to the 5 person cleaning crew that spent 8 hours scouring the bathrooms and cleaning the rest of the house, its almost certain that the house hadn’t been dusted since the aunt died 11 years ago.
The situation is overwhelming. The neighbors are fully aware of the circumstances and prior to this week didn’t have any contact information for anyone else in the family. The extended family is limited in what actions they can take to intervene and truthfully the outcome may rest upon the local medical community . Elder protective services may be summoned and then these two men and their fate will have to be at the mercy of the court system. This woman has done her part to prevent that from happening, however it may be the only way that something can be done long term. The family has returned to their own lives in other states and her cousin and her uncle are on their own again.
When she speaks to her cousin she never knows whether it will be the obnoxious verbally abusive drunk or her adoring, lovable younger cousin who is calling. Either way neither of these personalities is assuming his responsibility as the caretaker of his very kind, stubborn, self-sufficient (in his mind only), physically and mentally deteriorating father. My heart breaks for them. The rest is up to God and the universe. The moral of this tragic story is teach your children to be accountable for their actions. They will need to know this sometime in their future. Don’t wait until its too late. Get help!